Dear FanFiction: Letters From Hogwarts
by James the Lesser
Summary: I read a Great FF by cloudXx9's called Dear Fanfiction in the Young Justice area. In reality ANY FF could have this. Twilight, My Little Pony, Spiderman, ANY FF section. Snarky letters from the characters of HP complaining about FF, what could go wrong?
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fanfiction Writers

I have never expressed any desire in a student. I have never shown any sign of love towards the Potter boy. He may have his mother's eyes but he does not have her mind, body, heart, or soul. I may have been in love with his mother but that should show I am not gay. Not that there is any thing wrong with that but I am not.

I do not understand how you silly children believe I would ever love Potter or any student. I am a serious Professor who does not worry with such trivial things as dating. Hermione Granger may symbolize Lily in some way by being a smart muggle born witch but she is not Lily.

Although I do praise those of you who realize that as a Potions Professor I would have several potions on my persons at all time. Including one that would save my life in case I was bitten by that vile Nagini. It was actually easy for me to feign my death in front of the Dark Lord. Why would I go through all that just to romance the most famous wizard alive?

So PLEASE stop writing stories where I have sex with Potter,

Professor Snape

**A/N For those who might get upset I do get FF is where you can take any one or thing and make what ever you want happen. I am just trying to write these from the perspective of the actual character. Like if Snow White was real and read a bunch of FF's where she gang bangs the dwarfs and wrote a response to that. In FF you can have her do what ever you want but what if the person read that FF? That is what I am trying to do here and I hope you enjoy it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fanfiction Writers

Harry Potter is my mortal enemy. He is the opposite of everything my family stands for! He has no problem with mudbloods or the red headed Weasly's who love mudbloods. He represents everything my family fights against.

I am not a cry baby who just wants to be loved. When the Dark Lord rises back to power I may even get the chance to kill Potter myself. The Dark Lord has no more use for him now that he has gained a body once again.

I loathe him and his friends with every fiber of my being. I am a PURE BLOOD wizard who would never sully himself with a mudblood. If I need a good shag I'll go to Pansy.

So please stop making me shag him! Or the Granger mudblood or a Weasly or any one else! I am the son of Lucius Malfoy and when he hears about this website...

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

**A/N The last letter was from after Book 7 and this one is after book 6. And again for those who might get upset I do get FF is where you can take any one or thing and make what ever you want happen. I am just trying to write these from the perspective of the actual character. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fanfiction Writers

Yes I like boys but that doesn't make me a slut. I dated a few but we never did more than kiss. No where in the books does it say I do more than that! Well, until Harry... And I get it some prefer if Harry got together with Hermione but he didn't. Please stop killing me off or making me out to be a bitch. Hermione is a good person I like her but that doesn't mean I like being killed off every other story I read.

Also Hogwarts has no sex tradition or ritual. Some of these are just, ew, EW! A Hippogriph? Clearly you don't understand how a woman... Well, you know what I mean. No Dragon's or House Elf's either!

For those who start before book six I can kinda understand where I don't end up with Harry. Every one else? Really? I, before he left to find the Horcrux, I know J.K. Didn't spell it out, but any one with half a brain could figure it out. My brother figured it out and he can be rather dense. That was a little speech I didn't need.

Also I'm not gay or in to animals real or mythical. I don't want to join the Death Eaters or have been one all this time and am just waiting for any sign of You-Know-Who to come back before I kill Harry.

I am just a girl who loves a boy who just happens to save the world from an evil Dark Lord. Luckily enough he loves me back. Unlike most HermHar shippers.

Sincerely

Ginny Weasly

**A/N** **For those who might get upset I do get FF is where you can take any one or thing and make what ever you want happen. I am just trying to write these from the perspective of the actual character. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Bloody Hell you Fan Fiction writers

Why must I always be the butt monkey? Literally with other students or just when you make me evil because I get in the way of your HermHar ship! Harry is my best friend I would never betray him! Or have sex with him. Or Draco. What the bloody hell is wrong with you?

I am a proud Weasly and like muggles. The Death Eaters would never take me any ways they know how much a muggle lover my father is.

And I get it I'm not the best Quidditch player ever but do I really need to be so bad some new OC takes my place? Or kick me out of the Trio for your OC. Nothing would break us up. We fought Voldemort together! Yes the one Horcrux made me cranky but I came back because I love Hermione and Harry. They are my best friends and Hermione means more!

And no I'm not an abusive husband. What part of any of the seven books makes half the people write me as a monster? Most abusive husbands come from homes where their mothers were abused. My father loves my mother and would never hurt her. And like my father I know if I ever was bloody crazy enough to try and hit the other we'd both be bewitched in to St. Mungo's hospital.

And I don't have missing siblings. No sisters especially! Why do you think they stopped at Ginny? My Mum finally got the daughter she always wanted. Aren't seven kids enough?

To the Fan Fiction writers that make me out to be the hero? I knew there was some thing good about fan fiction. Keep it up!

Sincerely,

Roonil Wazlib

No, darn quills. My brothers do this to me on purpose!

**A/N** **For those who might get upset I do get FF is where you can take any one or thing and make what ever you want happen. I am just trying to write these from the perspective of the actual character. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Hello FanFiction Writers

I do not see

why you do that to me

I am not bad

I am some times sad

But I can be glad

I worry about the Snork Bat

And also the Goobly Wack

But I care about Ginny and Harry

Or that red headed fellow I think named Barry

I would never be a Death Eater

Or Curse a Quidditch Beater

So please when you write about me

Know that I am more than others can be

And watch out for the Weezilbee

They get in your head and make it all fuzzy

Yours Truly,

Luna Lovegood

**A/N Any suggestions readers? It has been awhile since I read HP FF. Even if I already did the character could always send me ideas for them to use in a second letter!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Hello Fan Fiction Writers!

We believe we are more than what you portray us as.

I, Fred, am far better looking than George and yet you always make us out to be exactly alike.

No, I am the better looking one. But that is besides the point. We are great wizards. We may not be working on a potion to cure some random disease but we are inventing all new things all the time!

Like this magical quill that writes as you talk. Of course they already had those but ours is special! Right George?

People have no idea how hard it was to get an auto write quill to work for a ghost. Thankfully George saw fit to work hard on it.

You're George.

No you're George.

I know who I am!

Exactly and we all know George is the better looking of us.

I can't argue with that Fred.

No I'm George.

You just said I was George.

No I didn't Fred.

Yes you did Fred.

No I didn't Fred.

Yes you did Fred.

No I didn't Fred.

Yes you did George.

No I didn't George.

Ha! You just called me George.

Right I did brother. Oh bollocks the quill wrote all that down.

We still have a couple kinks to work out.

Bloody brilliant giving Ron the last one. I wonder how long it took before the magic ran out.

We'll just have to wait and find out Fred.

No you're Fred!

We need to end this letter before we run out of parchment. We must find a way so the quill only write when we, oh, it is still writing.

So end it with Yours Truly

George and Fred Weasly

P.S. Ginny we know about you and Harry! Don't think Ron is the only one! Congratulations! Hope you two live long and shop at our shop once we re open.

**A/N Ha, the Twins working on an auto write quill that works for ghosts since one of them is. Well, in my letters one is. Since that is a common HP FF thing I've been told. They were to write about different FF stuff but instead got distracted with arguing and ran out of parchment. I love the Twins.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

If one more person includes a _Why So Serious_ joke in a book a Grim will visit you. These books take place in the 90's, years, more than a decade, before that movie came out. Yes, I get it my name is Sirius and pronounced like Serious but that is all!

There are plenty of things to be serious about don't get me wrong. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named has finally come back after the Tri Wizard Tournament and has rallied his loyal Death Eaters to him. But we have a secret organization led by Dumbledor ready to fight back.

Oh, and those of you who kill me off, really? I am Harry's Godfather who escaped from Azkaban. You may have heard of that little deed. So do you really think I would die so easily? J.K. Rowling had a chance to suck my soul out and didn't take it. Really, these are children books like she'd really kill off a major character like myself.

Speaking of which... Why must you pair me off with Remus? What point in our lives have we ever shown those kind of feelings towards each other? And pairing me off with a full blooded wizard or witch means you're probably pairing me off with a cousin. There are plenty of Muggle Born Witches out there to catch my eye!

Sincerely,

Sirius Black

P.S. Those of you who read that dreadful Twilight Series, you do realize J.K. Rowling wrote my character first. Besides Pixar wrote a better love story in eight minutes of UP than that so called author wrote in four books. What you kids read nowadays scares me some times.


	8. Chapter 8

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

**De**ar FanFiction Writers

I am a Muggle born witch. Death Eaters HATE us. Why would I join them? They would no sooner take me than my parents. I swear you either make me evil or a skank. Unless you want me with Harry which... Well, there is some spark there I'll admit but nothing ever happened. Well, a hug during the Tri Wizard Tournament and the kiss at the train station that same year... And J.K. Rowling did say she we would have made a better couple...

But that doesn't matter. Ron and I are married. He doesn't hit me he knows better than to cross me! And I don't cheat. Especially not with Professor Snape! He's dead! Even if he did have a potion to save his life from Nagini how would we ever get together? I've only read one story where Ron passed away and I needed money so I worked at Professor Snape's potion shop that made a little sense. If you ignore he is old enough to be my father.

I love Ron too much to cheat. He wasn't the Chosen One he wasn't picked by the Fates to save the Wizarding World. Yet he still came with Harry and fought the Death Eaters and Voldemort. He still came with us to fight the Ministry. He didn't have to and yet he did. That shows more bravery than any great powerful wizard has.

I like the idea I became a teacher at Hogwarts. The Wizarding World offers little choice in the working world. Not like the Muggle World. Ministry, Hogwarts, or Diagon Alley. Those are the choices. Quite sad really. I would have liked... Well, it doesn't matter.

So please writers stop making me evil! Or a skank. Or any thing I'm not! I know Fanfiction allows you to do any thing but please I have feelings! Some of these, ew! A troll? Snape? I don't know which one is worse!

I better stop before I get too emotional. I wonder why my hormones have been acting up. Huh, I have been throwing up in the morning too. You don't think...

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**A/N Ha, this is after book 7 but before she became pregnant with her first child. Well, as far as she knows. And I know Snape/Hermione is a very popular couple so figured I'd address it. Also pointed out how the Wizarding World is very limited. If you don't get a job at the Ministry, Hogwarts, or Diagon Alley... There are no other choices. Except for Quidditch but that is only for a select few. I wonder what happened if there were no jobs. Do you get unemployment or some thing? Or do they just make up new jobs? "Uh, crap, all jobs are filled and we have 22 students graduating. So make a new division of uh, Magic Magics? Yeah, or Magics Magic.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

I am glad that you found our world so enthralling and interesting you would spend your free time writing about us. I know for Muggles magic is thrilling and exciting but you should know there is a dangerous side.

I have seen many a great wizard and witch be corrupted by it. In my many years, and they are many, I have seen all the different sides of magic. I have known one of the greatest wizards of all time and yet he too fell to it.

At Hogwarts I see many a young girl or boy enticed by the new possibilities. It saddens me though to know that any one of them could become the next Dark Lord. The Dark Arts is a forbidden art and yet I know all too well what making some thing forbidden can do for a teen. They rebel and dabble but usually come back before it is too late.

However, they do not all have sex with each other, or the teachers, or me. I do not sleep with Harry or Hagrid or the Minister. I am an old man far past my prime and such things like physical intimacy hold no allure for me any more. There are strict laws against abusing the various creatures you have me and the others fornicate with. Yes my brother and his goats... But that was settled years ago.

I am not and have never been in love with Voldemort. I had hoped to rescue that poor soul but I failed. In my again many, many, years I have had a few failures. His was one of my more regrettable ones.

Those of you angered by me being gay must realize that being gay or straight has no bearing on some one being great or not. It would not and had not any effect on my teachings.

Of course, I'm dead now. Another journey for me. So many old faces I hadn't seen in years. How long will it continue? Even I do not know.

Forever Learning,

Dumbledore

P.S. I have never and will never say "You Shall Not Pass". I believe all my students have a chance to pass. Why I would ever say such words confounds me. What wizard would ever say such a thing?


	10. Chapter 10

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Authors of Fanfiction,

I get it that my character was not flushed out until the end. I was always Neville in the Way Longbottom. But I had a lot to live up to! My parents were great wizards until the Death Eaters got them. I don't my Gran ever forgave herself for what happened. She was watching after me while they went out to fight the Death Eaters. When they didn't return on time she didn't think any thing of it. Figured they were just busy. By the time she contacted Dumbledore it was too late.

Still, I wasn't weak. I could perform the same spells I just had to try harder. And longer. And ask Hermione for help. But Harry asked her for help all the time yet none of you ever seem to make him a weak bumbling fool. If it weren't for her I'm sure he would have died ten times over.

Also what ever made you think I was gay? I asked girls out when the Yule Ball was being held. I clearly showed interest in Ginny. Yet I keep seeing all these stories where I'm gay. Of course I also see stories where some has sex with a House Elf so I guess I should just be glad you usually keep me with the same species.

Again, I get I was never the hero Harry was. But I wasn't weak! I just needed more training and a lot of confidence. I would never betray Harry or Dumbledore either. The Death Eaters took my parents from me! Nothing! I mean **nothing** would make me join them.

I do like the stories where it turns out Voldemort picked the wrong child. Why I keep reading!

Thank you for Reading;

Neville Longbottom

P.S. Has any one seen Trevor?


	11. Chapter 11

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Thank you for showing such interests in our world. It was an amazing thing to live through and I am glad for the peace.

But please, please! Stop killing my friends. I get some of you think Hermione and I should have gotten together but that doesn't mean you need to kill Ginny! Or if you hate Ron that's fine but killing him or making him a Death Eater? What is wrong with you? He is my best mate.

The sex, why all the sex? I am scared to death of having to fight not just for my life but the life of my friends and their families. Ok, so the Ginny and me thing... But that was one time. If I had as much sex as you wrote out I'd never have time to fight Voldemort.

I am not gay, have never shown any sign of it, and yet you have me with Draco more than you have me with my wife. Or the animals... Ew.

I get I am not the greatest wizard. Dumbledore was far better than I ever will be. But with help from others and I'll admit yes a lot of luck I won. I even said so during the books! I never bragged I was the greatest or any thing. Half of you seem to enjoy torturing me and breaking me while the other half turn me in to some giant jerk. So I let being the 'Chosen One' go to my head a little but I didn't lord it over any one.

My parents are dead. I don't know if you picked up on that during the seven books but they're dead. They aren't secret Death Eaters and not even magic can bring them back. I don't have a sister either. Ginny is also not secretly my sister adopted by the Weasly's because they always wanted a daughter. Do you really think they would have hidden that while she and I were dating?

Maybe we shouldn't have let these books get written. Even with the author saying this was all just fantasy it seems Muggles can't handle magic being real. And I wouldn't have to see all the fanfiction and fanart with me and Draco or Dobby...

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

**A/N This will probably be the last one since it is Harry Potter. If any one else has ideas? Use them for your own! And you can do this for any series. Book, movie, TV show, doesn't matter. There is so much FF out there that... Well, if the people were real and read them, how would they react? Would Superman be grossed out by some of the FF of him? Would Spongebob... Well, can he read? So any and all who read this, think of how the characters of your favorite movies, shows, and books would react to seeing some of this. Would Buffy smile and laugh at all the three and four somes she gets thrown in? Would Inuyasha use his sword on a computer after reading about him as a pup before meeting Kagome? It is all up to you and your imagination!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Dear Fanfiction: Letters From Hogwarts**

**Author: James the Lesser**

**I do not own any characters or the world they live in J.K. Rowling does.**

Dear Every One,

I can' believe it! When the owl appeared from Headmaster McGonagall I thought it wer' bout the new hagglestuns being brought in for a class. Instead it was an acceptance letter!

I got to trade my umbrella for a wand. I wonder if I'll get to sit in third year since that wer' when I was kicked out or start as a first year.

If I start as a first year I can explain to em why there are so many ghosts who look like them. Wearin' modern clothing and all that. So many died... So many can see the Thestrals now.

Arry's already promised to take me to Diagon Alley to return the favor from so many years ago. Be good to see 'im again.

Excuse the tear stains, I got somethin' in me eye earlier.

Thank You World,

Hagrid


End file.
